​Loneliness

To be alone and cut off from others is one of the saddest, most painful situations a person can endure. We need to share life’s ups and downs with our trusted confidants. Face-to-face social interaction is highly associated with well-being and essential to our very survival. 

The less we interact in person with others, the more likely we are to experience loneliness. 

Connecting to friends and loved one’s stimulates the release of neurotransmitters that initiate a stream of positive emotion giving us that relaxed, safe feeling. 

The feeling of loneliness that arises from a lack of quality, fulfilling, personal relationships can be felt when you’re with family and friends but detached and disconnected emotionally. It’s even more toxic than physical isolation.  

Conversely, when we find ourselves far away from our inner circle and community it’s still possible to feel connected.  

It’s perfectly natural to feel lonely. However, the blanket term “loneliness” doesn’t always tell the whole story. Each experience can be quite unique. Different emotions, physical responses, beliefs about the world and self, interact with each other. Below are some examples:  

People who travel extensively on the job  

Many jobs require overnight or extended travel on a regular basis. From business executives to truck drivers, salespeople or the military, each experiences a disconnect while away from home for long stretches. 

 It’s easy to think that loneliness might be the main emotional experience when someone is staying in a hotel overnight away from their partner and kids. They probably feel torn between different obligations but being alone in a hotel room by yourself does not necessarily create the experience of loneliness. Feeling conflicted, frustrated, regret about missing the family, all these emotions factor into the experience as much as loneliness does.  

 Many people who travel alone extensively overindulge in food and drink. There is plenty of idle time to worry and stress out over things they can’t influence at home. A lot of times people eat out of grief over a loss, transition or change. They might feel guilty about missing a birthday or graduation even though they absolutely had to be on the road.  Their family may have felt hurt and that they should’ve been home with them. 

When there’s the foundation of a secure attachment, you still have that sense of home, family, love, and connection within you while you’re away.  

Technology provides so many ways to feel connected with your loved ones. When there is a secure attachment it’s more likely in this situation that you miss your family, you’re bored and would rather be doing something else, but that’s not truly being lonely. 

Each relationship has its own unique dynamic. When one spouse is at home and the other is always away traveling it’s possible they could both buy into that lifestyle. If they married into it but are no longer happy with one parent staying at home taking care of the kids, the house, the dog and the yard, that could definitely create a state of loneliness where the parent at home would always feel like they’re doing everything alone in the marriage almost like a single parent. That could also potentially create a combination of very different emotions– a sense of loneliness and aloneness simultaneously. A lot depends on if they have family support and how the spouse at home feels about the separation. 

 An immigrant living in the U.S. whose family is back home in their country of origin. 

Someone who migrated here that’s well-educated and well-off socioeconomically experiences loneliness in a totally different way than a migrant worker. They can travel back and forth to their country of origin but undergo the loneliness that comes from living with a split heart; being dedicated to creating a better life in this culture with their nuclear family even though part of their heart is always longing to unite with their family of origin in their home country. 

 It’s like they’re always split, never quite at home. Many have accomplished great things here and achieved the socioeconomic status of upper-middle-class yet decades later they have that longing and a  sense of loneliness and disconnect because their heart is not in this culture.  

They’ve adapted but it’s not the same and they miss their family members back home. They have friends and family here, their children were born here, but they experience loneliness because they don’t find a lot of opportunity to connect with people in the same way that they were able to connect in their own culture in their country of origin.  

There are relational differences. The way that two Brazilians relate to each other is quite different than how two Americans relate to each other. Many say that Americans consider friends to be disposable. They just move on. Whereas in their culture, friendships are close and held close and valued and are much richer than they are here. They might not get those quality connections here. 

The unique experience of a migrant worker contrasts greatly with that of someone who has migrated to the U.S. legally. There are real differences in socioeconomic class, education, they may be undocumented, not have the financial resources to be able to return to their country of origin.  

In this case, knowing that you’re stuck here while trying to build a better life for your family by sending money home combines loneliness and a feeling of helplessness.   

As an example, if there’s a family member back home who is sick and the most that you can do is send money for medicine and not be able to actually go back and be with the sick family member or spend time with the aging parents, that is a type of helplessness .  

Being in a marriage or relationship and not having your needs met

They don’t feel seen or recognized in a relationship or for whatever reason they’re not emotionally available to the partner. It could be that something has driven a wedge between them. 

when one partner creates a lot of activities that don’t include the other. a man who worked out fanatically, did martial arts, was a runner who selfishly scheduled every minute of his personal time for himself to the exclusion of his partner.  

 Partners who are emotionally unavailable, they could be really invested in their work, they could be cheating, they could be using alcohol or drugs or any kind of addiction like porn or gambling. The partner experiences a certain type of loneliness where they’re in a marriage or relationship but they’re so acutely alone.  

The addictive behavior could be a symptom of deeper problems in the marriage. Work could be an addiction whether getting that reward, the benefit of those dopamine bursts, every time they go to porn site or play online poker. They don’t get the dopamine from staying at home watching the Hallmark Channel if they have those addictive centers in the brain.  

Grief is an example where maybe they lost a child and the grief creates a distance between them that they can’t bridge.  

 Alone on the holidays 

Whether you are used to being alone and don’t have your own nuclear family, or you’re with family and friends but feeling disconnect, loneliness on the holidays can be extremely challenging.  

It doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas or a good weather holiday, the change in routine can cause us to neglect good nutrition, exercise, and sleep. Whether we circulate socially or stay home alone, there’s a stronger temptation to skip a workout, overindulge in crunchy carbs, sugary desserts, and alcoholic beverages. 

For those that are alone, there can be a deep sadness about not having the quality of love that comes to those who have a loving nuclear family. This is a perfect example of someone who suffers from both aloneness and loneliness. Friends and family who have their own nuclear families usually spend the holidays in their own traditional way. We might wish we had somewhere to go but if we accepted an invitation to a friend or relatives house we would probably still feel very much like an outsider and that might keep us from enjoying the company and only make us feel worse. 

During his self -imposed holiday exile he tells himself that time will pass faster if he stays busy and keeps his belly full. It’s Christmas eve and he just needs to survive the next 48 hours without getting severely depressed.  

But the lonely feelings of abandonment slowly creep in and alter his energy field. The junk food weighs him down. Although he’s not really tired, he has little energy to move about.  

He fears going out of the house and assumes everyone else has a full slate of holiday gatherings to attend. He fears the humiliation will be overpowering if anybody finds out he’s all alone.  

Steve suffers from aloneness, which is part of his makeup, and loneliness, in which there are options to help him cope.  

Loneliness and youth 

Adolescents can have hundreds of friends on social media yet still feel empty inside. The lack of face-to-face interaction and limited interpersonal skills can make building new friendships difficult. Smartphone addiction and overuse has caused many teens to stay indoors instead of playing soccer or hanging out with friends. The digital revolution has spawned a gradual take-over by virtual relationships, making us more inclined to text, email or post on social media than to communicate in person.  

Adolescents 

For many youth smartphones have become a lifeline- the origin of all sense of belonging. Some teens are so addicted that they use cheap, disposable phones called “burner phones” when their smartphones are confiscated by their parents. There is a growing black market for these phones in High Schools. Fake Facebook and Instagram accounts are set up to avoid being detected by parents when kids are forbidden to go online.  

Parents can be so absorbed in their own electronic devices at home that they don’t perceive their children’s addiction and the feeling of emptiness that comes with it.  

Loneliness plays a major role in school violence as students become alienated and lack empathy toward one another.  

Young adults 

A recent study done by CIGNA Healthcare found that young people are far more likely than senior citizens to report being lonely and in poor mental health. 

The pressures college students face can often isolate them from others. With online study from home options being much more affordable, many don’t live on campus or attend class in person.  

For those that do go to traditional universities, ending relationships and falling out of touch with freinds and acquaintances is far more after moving away upon graduation. 

Face-to-face social connections are highly associated with well-being, the less we interact in person with others, the more likely we are to be lonely. 

Adults 

Adults face time constraints and responsibilities that can get in the way of making new friends or visiting extended family. Many of the friendships created by parents through their children’s activities are not as deep as those established through direct, on-on-one interaction, and tend to diminish as kids get older.  

The competitive nature of the workplace often-times doesn’t foster deep personal connections. Job displacement through cyclical economic factors, such as the closing of malls and loss of retail jobs, puts many into a shifting work situation that creates loneliness by abruptly ending social contact with coworkers and patrons. Losing a job unexpectedly can create a “vertical drop” in all facets of health through a magnified sense of isolation. Conversion disorders, where psychological problems are channeled through the body causing trauma and illness, are directly linked to loneliness. 

 Seniors 

The elderly face unique vulnerabilities that put them at high risk of feeling lonely. Research shows that more than 20 percent of people over age 60 frequently feel all – consuming loneliness. Meeting new people isn’t easy for seniors who still live at home. They often feel less independent because they don’t drive anymore, use walkers, canes, and wheelchairs to get around, which sadly limits activities outside the house.  

Hearing problems, often played down by the elderly, can cause embarrassment and create difficulty with conversation, which inhibits many seniors from fully relating to others and going to social events. 

On the other hand, relationships with adult children often deepen as parents grow into old age, but direct contact is often limited because they live in different cities or find it hard to get together during the week.  

Medical conditions, like declining vision and hearing, can interfere with the ability to hold a conversation.  

Lonely people in old age are twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, which is the harshest form of loneliness there is. 

All humans are wired to connect with others, yet it is all too common for some of us to lack the critical ability to relate to one another. We can be surrounded by coworkers throughout the day, in a significant relationship or a lifelong marriage, have a house full of kids, participate in many activities, yet still experience a deep and pervasive disconnection from others. Close personal relationships and meaningful social interaction are vital to our well-being.  

Loneliness and stress 

Loneliness is at the level of a public health crisis. It’s imperative to encourage people to connect with each other. Taking steps to expand social contact is as important as any other component of a healthy lifestyle. 

Isolation can also have a serious negative impact on physical health and can be a contributing factor to heart disease, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, and other diseases. It compromises the immune system, increases levels of stress hormones, interrupts sleep, lowers cognitive abilities and causes chronic inflammation and muscle pain.  

Loneliness exacerbates the fight-or-flight mechanism— the chemical reactions that happen when a person faces a threatening situation.  

When we encounter a perceived danger — such as a speeding car coming toward us after running a red light, or the first glance of a letter from the IRS, — an alarm system is set off in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals a surge of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol are released. Prolonged loneliness can cause the hormonal response to continue indefinitely after the threat has gone away, severely limiting one’s ability to enjoy life. This amplified response can induce aggression and outbursts of anger. Instead of welcoming connection with others, the lonely person can launch a verbal assault. Feeling they are under constant threat fuels a destructive cycle of isolation and disconnection.  

Friendship 

According to the book “The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the 21st Century”, by Richard Stanton Schwartz M.D. and Dr. Jacqueline Olds, women are more likely to share the intimate secrets of their lives and to confide in each other. Such sharing and openness deepen relationships. Men favor focusing on a common activity, such as a game of golf, rather than each other’s personal stories. 

Men also often form friendships based on their involvement with groups at various stages in their lives—school, sports, the military, fraternal organizations, jobs and careers. Once they leave that group, friendships fade and aren’t replaced. Men can start out with an ample supply of friends but don’t replenish them. Women are much more likely to meet new companions throughout their lives, says Dr. Schwartz. What preserves relationships over time, regardless of gender, is frequently seeing each other face to face, so that the friendship is part of the fabric of your life. 

  Loneliness and addiction 

It’s been said that misery loves company. Many try to find relief from lonely feelings in harmful ways. The emotional experience of loneliness is just as dangerous to your health as drinking to excess, using street drugs, binge eating, or getting hooked on sugar, caffeine, or nicotine.  Addictions and loneliness tend to be companions. 

According to recent research, on average, a baby is born in the U.S. from opioid withdrawal every 15 minutes. Lonely from their first breath, addicted babies are sleep deprived, and go through a viscous withdrawal process. They are alone in the world fighting for their life from day one while many of their parents are in jail or on the streets.  

Neuroscientist Rachel Wurzman says loneliness contributes to opioid addiction and the way to make recovery easier is through social connection. Isolation leaves the striatum, a crucial region of the brain involved in decision making, in a weakened state. In her popular TED Talk she presents her research of the striatum indicating that there is great potential for healing through prolonged, repeated connection with others. 

Mental Health  

Around 20% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental health disorder, and one in five families is touched by severe mental illness in their lifetime. More common than heart disease, cancer, or diabetes, severe mental health disorders are the second leading cause of premature death. The top reason for hospital admissions nationwide is a psychiatric disorder. A key component of most mental health issues is loneliness. 

Thomas Joiner, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Florida State University and a leading expert on suicide, was one of the first researchers to link isolation to suicide. He leads an ongoing research project: “The Interpersonal Theory of Suicidal Behavior” at FSU which investigates how social alienation, low family social support, and low feelings of belonging combine to form the fundamental causes of suicide. 

The country’s rising suicide rate, part of an increase in what has been dubbed “deaths of despair,” is hitting America’s youth the hardest. The overall suicide rate rose 26% between 2007 and 2017, according to the Federal Center for Disease Control and Prevention. The rate more than doubled for kids ages 10 to 17 over the same time frame. Loneliness and disconnection are closely linked to the problem. 

 “Feeling Lonely? Too Much Time on Social Media May Be Why” NPR, March 6, 201 
“The Rare Special Bond of a Lifelong Male Friendship” by Claire Ansberry, the Wall Street Journal. March 20, 2019. 
“The Epidemic of Loneliness”, Psychology Today. 
“How Can Chronic Stress Affect Your Health? webmd.com 
“Young Americans Are the Loneliest, Surprising Study from CIGNA Shows” USA Today September 6, 2018. 
“The Forces Driving Middle-Aged White People’s Deaths of Despair” npr.org March 23, 2017 
“Opioid Addiction’s Long-Term Effects on Babies Still under Study” npr.org March 8, 2018 
Joiner TE. “Why People Die by Suicide”. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press; 2005. 
“Teens Smuggle Burner Phones to Defy Parents”, by Julie Jargon. Wall Street Journal. May 14, 2019  
“Isolation and loneliness may contribute to addiction” - The Washington Post November 3rd, 2018  
Maria Howard, LCSW